Sunday, 31 July 2011

Tequila sunrise: also a cocktail...

Failure is simply the non-presence of success. But a fiasco is a disaster of mythic proportions.
Orlando Bloom (can we quote Orlando Bloom?  Really? It seems so wrong...)

There are many things we should talk about today, but let's start with this:

Yes, that is my car, wedged, if you will, onto a picket fence and a thick piece of concrete.

After Jill and I decided that attempting to lift the car up and off the concrete was not an option available to us and our meagre muscle mass, we reined in our efforts, copped a squat on the fender and slugged a Miller Lite whilst awaiting rescue from an agency I am becoming all too familiar with, the 'Triple A'.

Once the nice man from the Automobile Club had wedged a piece of wood under the wheels and jacked up Montgomery (that would be the car then), we were good to go.  Where?  A mere block and a half round the corner for some much needed recovery cigarettes and alcohol.  Which would have been all very nice, had I not at that moment decided to be fastidious about securing the soft-top, and because in my automotive world we are far from central locking, manually locked the driver's door from the inside before slamming it shut.  So far so good, except for one crucial error, the keys were still in the ignition.  Yes, you read right.  Mere moments after being hauled off a picket fence we were 'phoning the same guy to come and professionally break into my car.  By this point we were also watching the sun rise, which is a first for me in LA, so, that's a plus.  The same dude came back again and looked at us with disbelief and a strong shade of pity at our unimaginable idiocy.  I would have too.  It was beyond dumb...

Other shit of note are the following:

Check out the Berkeley, yes, SOY cheese.  Offensive on so many levels but let's just say please contain yourselves to the Bay Area and for the love of god never EVER go to France or Italy.  We do not want you.

Clearly we opted for the full fat, animal produced variety.  Look away now vegetarians, there is sausage...

Definitely a go big or get the fuck out moment. 

And so we get to this morning, when I decided to treat myself to some much needed hangover food from Whole Foods in the form of a good curry.  Take my advice, never go to Whole Foods on a Sunday morning wearing the same clothes you just slept in.  At 10am people are already returning from their morning yoga sessions and it just adds to the creeping guilty sensation that whilst you were weeping with laughter at 7am their were clenching their sphincters in downward dog.  It's the same as going to church right after you just had sex, only without the forgiveness...


  1. oh my!!! i have been wondering what this looked liked..... i was too busy snoring like a bear!
    i think you know who this is...

  2. I hope Monty is OK after his scrape with the kerb. And glad to see your detox is progressing as well as mine ;-)

  3. Surprisingly, windex is very good at getting rid of scratches... OMG yes re the detox was monumentally well behaved last week and then well...