911 they killed Montgomery!

Here are a few pearls of wisdom I can share with you; some call it "hindsight".

When calling emergency services to report a car crash don't hysterically bleet down the 'phone "They killed Montgomery", unless of course Montgomery is a human being.  Because to them, the Coppers, in Los Angeles this usually signals a shooting.


I'm not sure the line "they've completely fucked him up the ass" helped to clarify matters either... 


And so it was to the scene, sirens blaring, that the police car pulled up to find a Los Angeles County public works truck and a rear ended black Mazda Miata, who goes by the name of Montgomery...


I suppose I could regale you with the tale of how I wailed to Officer Bonner (all it takes is a dropped 'n') on the corner of Hope Street whilst four Mexican municipal workers stood back for cover, but I won't.  I'll simply leave you with this, the full legal name of the Mexican that drove into the back of my precious:

CHRISTMAS SONG

Yes, that's right Ladies and Gentlemen, she's back, you can blame Jesus, and it's going to get nasty...

Back it up back it up like a Tonka truck...

Yes, we're still in LA, so clearly, it's still all about cars.  And because when you have two hands on the wheel your range of distractions is somewhat limited, I have taken to studying the lyrics of rap songs.

Jay-Z and Kanye released their new album 'Watch the Throne' (title: FAIL) this week so let's start with them shall we.  Song three, title: 'Ni**as in Paris', contains the delightful gem:

'She said yeah can we get married at the mall... Come and meet me in the bathroom stall; and show me why you deserve to have it all.'

Also known as an offer you can refuse.  Kanye West is the only rapper that could put Maison Martin Margiela in a rap and take himself seriously.

Next up:

'Back it up back it up like a Tonka truck'

Presumably this is because Tonka trucks are particularly well known for their reversing capabilities?

This shit's from Jennifer Lopez and a friend of her's named Pitbull (who would presumably eat Rabbit and Ping Ping for breakfast), and that's all you need to know.  But whilst searching You Tube to verify that the lyrics were correct and it wasn't just the roar of Montgomery's engine that had led me to mishear, I came across this hot mess:

For those of you that have not had the pleasure of seeing Brits on holiday this is pretty much the shame our nation inflicts on Spain every summer.  It's all about dancing with your top off but your socks still on...

And finally:

'Black car, black rims, black skirt, black skin'

I can't find out who exactly is responsible for this masterpiece, but is it me or isn't there something inherently strange about matching your girlfriend to your car based on skin colour?  If this catches on as a trend I am going to be left in a very difficult situation, because really, I would never date a man that drove a bronze car...